When a "flexible schedule" isn't a choice, it's a trap.
I launched my business in 2022 for many reasons, but one is that I wanted to make my own schedule and to be free to pick up and drop off my daughter at school as I pleased. And it worked! I work my paid job about 26-28 hours per week and the rest of my time is “flexible.” She goes to school for 6.5 hours per day and the rest of the time is with me. I feel very grateful to have this time with her!
And…
…some days it’s tough to stop working in time to pick her up. And some days my business growth feels stunted because I can’t commit as much time as I’d like. And some days I’d love to be free with my time instead of scheduling everything around school, meals, and dance class.
But it was my choice to set my schedule up this way! It was a choice to launch my own business so I could make my own hours. It was a choice to take this on.
It was a choice.
A choice.
Was it a choice?
I carry the mental load. And we only have one child, so I can handle it most of the time. And my husband pays attention and is active in parenting and sharing some of it. Great! But there’s no denying that I carry the planning, the prepping, the predicting for things to come.
And weirdly enough, back when we had my daughter and back when I launched my business, I don’t recall a conversation where we debated which one of us should have the “flexible schedule.” I don’t recall a conversation where he assumed he’d be on tap for drop-offs and pick-ups. He does do them sometimes, but I’m the default.
I mean (as Eve Rodsky says) the “she-fault.”
And sometimes I think I’m the default even in my own brain. I took this scheduling stuff on. I wanted to take it on. Wait, did I want to take it on? Did I want to commit to pick up and drop off five days a week because I have the “flexible schedule”? Did I?
Hmmm
It feels like a trap. Like did I even realize I was the default for all the minutia a young child brings to our lives? The water bottles, the snacks, the sunscreen, the Elsa and the Anna, the memories, the photos, the holidays…
It feels like a trap, and what’s extra confusing is that part of me enjoys it. I just didn’t realize I’d be so consumed by it that I’d lose myself in the process. I didn’t realize that it would be every minute of every day…forever.
But here’s the good news. Once you identify that it’s a trap, that’s half the battle. You might not prevent yourself from falling in, but if you can identify you’re in it, you can start working on building your ladder and climbing out. How do we build our ladder out of the depths of this mental load?
Forgive yourself. This path towards the trap was paved long before you were born. You didn’t put yourself here.
Take care of yourself. You can’t climb the ladder out of the trap if you’re hungry, haven’t showered in a week, and don’t feel like a human being.
Start naming the trap. Verbalize the mental load, not just the task. “The dishwasher needs unloading” sounds a lot different than “the water bottle she wants to bring for field day - it’s bigger and holds more ice - is in the dishwasher and if it isn’t run, she won’t have it” names the load, provides context, and context builds empathy and breaks down defense.
Stop asking, start advocating. Less “can you take the trash out?” more “The trash needs taking out and this is typically your task” or “She needs picked up at 5pm and dinner needs cooked. Let me know which one you want to take.”
Take control of your “flexible schedule.” Start identifying gaps in which you are truly “free” and if there are none, create them. Add buffer time to appointments, use margins between work and pickup. And block them off so no one else has access to them. Then rest, or run, or read, or shop, or do whatever you want but make it your choice.
It’s a choice. Make it that way.
